[wpproads id=”7531″] After years of not understanding why or how people can “ghost” a person… I found myself today “Ghosting” a man… in fact he was the 3rd this week. And I don’t care.

We all know how it happens: You’re chatting, talking, kicking it with, or dating a person, and then one day – Gone. They don’t answer your phone calls, texts, or messages. They no longer see you, or engage with you. Ghost. It happens so swiftly that much like a ghost, you may wonder if they ever really were there. That is called “ghosting” and I too had been the victim of ghosting in the past.

When you’re on the receiving end of it may hurt. However, I’m hoping this blog can shed some light on why I’m now a huge proponent of Ghosting.

To explain this theory I have to tell you a story.

The Road to Ghosting

Two years ago I turned 40. Yes yes I know. I look young :-p… but 40 I did turn… and though many may not know I’m in my 40’s, my ovaries do, and I do too, biologically. A woman’s body knows when she has not yet birthed children and a slew of changes occur to facilitate this process, like: Increased sex drive, and the exponentially greater possibility of having multiple child pregnancies (ie: twins to quins!)

Okay, so I’m in my 40’s and I want to get married and have babies. That is premise # 1.
Premise #2 is knowing and understanding this is a numbers game and time is of the essence (ie: no time for fake ones). We gotta get in & get out & trust our split-second instinct and keep it moving when you see early warning signs of potential problems (EWSOPPs). Since I’m not in my 20s, I don’t have time to squander on people whom I KNOW exhibit behaviors and characteristics indicative of compatibility mismatching.

Let’s take a quick segue and talk about my twenties – I would go into these relationships with EWSOPPs, and when the relationship went crashing and burning (as it was destined), I would spend a year, or YEARS CELIBATE and not dating! I remember one of my hardest break-ups, I kid you not, I spent THREE YEARS Celibate and “getting myself together.”

Ovarythmatic

When you think about that in egg-years: 2 years here, 3 years there, another year here (three times), plus and minus the months before and after just re-attuning yourself to dating, I’ve wasted a DECADE of my fertile egg years, wasting and squandering on men who did NOT deserve that time. Where are those men now? Living there lives God knows where.

Lets do the math: a woman is born with ALL of her eggs at birth. She has about 4 hundred she will ovulate out at a rate of 1 per month. From the age of 12-20 our families work hard to make sure we do NOT get pregnant. 300 eggs left. 20-30 we’re trying to figure out life, and these are our most fertile years. At a rate of 12 eggs excreted a year, 10 years celibate is a precious 120 eggs. Gone. Sprinkle those celibate years throughout your 20’s and you have a lot of wasted time on males who can NOT give you your eggs back.

So now, back to Ghosting.

Okay, so, now I’m on a MISSION to Meet. My. King. I’m been in magical manifestation mode and am very specific with what I want. And the beauty of knowing what you WANT, is it lets you know instantaneously what you don’t want.

I’ve been manifesting like I live in a movie, and every time I say I want something – it shows up the next week. I’m meeting men while I’m running errands, on-line, on dating apps, at parties, get-togethers, and every day outings. If I say I want to meet an educated man in his 40s who is waiting for marriage to have children – BOOM! Here he comes. But then is he READY to have children NOW?! So I had to get more specific, and each week since December I have been fine-tuning and re-attuning to get to my current criteria. Before I got specific I met men who:

  1. Already had kids & didn’t want kids
  2. Didn’t have kids & didn’t want kids
  3. Didn’t have kids & didn’t want kids NOW
  4. One Didn’t believe in Marriage
  5. Still working on their careers, and not ready for marriage or children
  6. Didn’t have kids, wants kids, wants to get married but smokes weed & drinks every day
  7. Didn’t have kids, wants kids, wants to get married, sober, but hasn’t done the internal work.

So let’s stop the list at #6 & 7 because this is where Ghosting comes in

The Quiet Ghost

Alright, so I’m talking to this man. 40 yrs old, he’s funny, sweet, & likes to talk & work through misunderstandings. He’s really chill & laid-back and he has a cute boyishly wide smile which turns his eyes into the cutest midnight crescents. As we talk & get to know one another, I notice that he is drinking every day after work, and talking about drinking even before he gets off work. Hmmmn… And likes to partake of herbs or some portion of cannabis daily, by either smoking, dabbing or some other form of imbibing.

At first my ears perked-up, then I was concerned, and then I was downright turned-off. I had a conversation with… let’s call him Smiley….

So I say “Smiley” you are a really great guy and I like you, when I think about my life, and the future I want It doesn’t involve a man who smokes & drinks daily. I’m sorry, I’m going to go in a different direction in terms of dating.”

.

Smiley responds with “Nobody gets 100% of what they want in a person. You can meet a man who doesn’t drink & smoke, but he’s abusive!” (Wondering why those are his two options)

.

“Um. No, Smiley, I would rather be single than date either.” I say

.

“When a person loves & cares for another person, they change. Let’s say you & I fall in love and I know you don’t like drinking & smoking, I may change. I may quit for you.” Says Smiley

.

(I’m thinking in my mind “May!? Who wants to stay in a relationship on a May? He’s not even saying he will, he’s saying may, and by then the person is in Love with him? And if he enjoys smoking why would he want to quit? And then if he doesn’t”)

.

But what I say out loud is “I think 80/20 is a good range to aim for, however, that 20% can’t be something which is against a persons core values, vision or boundaries. I do not want anyone who has to CHANGE to be acceptable to me”

.

And Smiley says “That’s what people do in relationships! They change for the better with their partner’s influence. Haven’t you ever changed after being in a relationship? Haven’t you had partners inspire you?”

 

The conversation went on for another 45 minutes, and for every point I brought up, he rebuffed, rationalize, or reasoned away. I even protested that he himself doesn’t even KNOW who is is without weed & alcohol…. He’s laid back now, but who is he off substances?

I’m telling you, he had an answer and retort for everything.

After an hour I decided to go, and he said he would call me later.

I blocked his number.

“Perfectly Fine” is Not “GOOD” Enough Relationship

Now, he was a PERFECTLY FINE GUY, and I had no concrete reason for why I did not want to be with him. I had the conversation with him, and he soothed every suspicion…. But at the end of the day, the point remained: AS-IS I did NOT want to be with him. Was I willing to gamble my time & my eggs on whether he would be the type of person I wanted to be with? Was I going to spend the next few months having the same conversation over & over with his refutations every time?

For the sake of my unborn babies, I had to do what was right for them. I knew he wasn’t right to be their daddy. And I couldn’t imagine being in a household/ marriage under those conditions. When I broached the subject with him, he wasn’t taking “no” for an answer…. so I had no choice but to Ghost.

Which makes me wonder: In every situation in which I’d been ghosted, had the person tried to express to me how he felt and I just wasn’t listening? Does a person ghost in a perfectly communicative relationship without ever saying a word? Or do they  communicate in ways we dismiss or overlook? Are they communicating non-verbally? How many times, and how loudly must a person tell us they don’t want to be with us, before we “get it?”

And when I look back on it, every man who ever ghosted me, either through words, actions, or the lack thereof, told me that he didn’t want to be with me. He pulled back: I followed.  Or he stopped initiating and I ignored. He complained, and I complained back.

Which brings me to # 7.  A man who has not done the inner work.

Now, there are different levels of “inner work” and we are all at different stages of emotional intelligence and self-awareness. So its really all a matter of where your partner is in relation to you.

The Drag-Down Ghost

After ghosting Smiley, I decided I was going to “fade-to-black” in another acquaintanceship which I knew through his lack of upholding his word, just wasn’t for me. I decided I was ghosting him, but he continued to write to me, poking the bear. What ensued has cemented me into my future-ghosting legacy.  We got into an UGLY Nasty Argument with escalated into name-calling and near profanity. All for what? With a man I knew I didn’t want to be with? We could have just skipped over all the drama and preserved my precious aura and energy.

Everybody is not present enough to want, understand, or appreciate a debriefing. So next time I will choose to exit. Silently.
A person who ghosts probably chose not to discuss it with you for whatever reason: either because they didn’t think they could articulate it, or because they didn’t think you could hear it. Either way its the same effect; they’re gone.
We like to imagine we are these perfectly rational creatures who behave well to all stimuli no matter how uncomfortable…. When the truth is, people are unpredictable. We take “rejection” differently from person to person, and the same person according to their time of month, time of day, or what else is going on in their life….
Perhaps the other person is not here for it.
 Each person has to do what is best for themselves and sometimes what’s best is avoiding what could be a fruitless fight or confrontation….
I want to make the case-in-point of the following discussion I had with a young lady on facebook regarding ghosting.
I admitted to ghosting, and she began to insult ghosters, and thus, me.
ghosting Facebook convo 1
Then I responded with some of what I said above, about people not being in a space to be able to receive what you have to say… when the following message came through. Which proves my point in its entirety.
ghosting facebook convo 2
ghosting facebook convo 3
And I responded with
ghosting facebook convo 4facebook convo 5
 And then the conversation veered into how she appreciated me “speaking my peace” etc etc… but from being on the other end of the conversation (and all of those insults towards ghosters), would I ever willingly engage in a confrontational conversation with her again? The answer is No.

Confrontation Schmonfrontation

Not everybody enjoys confrontation, and quite frankly, not everyone has the time for it.
Many of us may have grown up in households with fussing and fighting, and some of us have grown to tolerate and even perpetuate it… but what about those who took a different route? Everyone doesn’t enjoy the name-calling, talking to deaf ears, accusations & projections which come with some confrontations – and they don’t have to.
Thinking about the conversation with this young lady – after 1 or 2 interactions like that in person, I would ghost a person like that too. What is the point in investing the time in fussing & fighting with someone you don’t want to be with? When you realize you no longer want to be there, the end result (you leaving) is still the same, what is the point? For THEIR closure? Their pleasure? What about yours?
Far too many of us are thinking about things from our point of view – What’s best for us. Hearing our insecurities either confirmed or denied… Because we all know when someone leaves our mind travels right to our insecurity…. that tender sensitive piece deep down inside which we hope no one knows about, (which from even ourselves we try to hide). But is that really any body else’s issue?

CLOSURE IS YOURS!

Get your OWN CLOSURE.
No one Owes it to you.
Think about it – Does it really matter to be confirmed or affirmed for WHY they’re leaving you? What are you going to do?
  • Promise to make changes?
  • Try to talk them out of it?
  • Tell them what you always disliked about them?
  • Fight for your relationship?
  • Listen, Nod & Know that you weren’t a good match anyway?

ALL of that is taken care of for you when a person Ghosts – it means NOTHING you SAY or DO could make them stay with you, and it most likely it wasn’t even about YOU. They wanted to leave, silently… so they did. Honor & respect THAT in the same way you want someone to honor & respect You.

We are all different, and not everyone is going to do things the way we do.

  • Some people will fight with you, some people won’t.
  • Then Some people say goodbye, some people don’t.
  • And Some people can peacefully listen to your rejection, some people can’t.

 

ghosting doll legs

Social Media & Vending Machine Dating

Instead of hoping for how we WISH things were, we can pay attention & adjust to how things are: We live in a society where we are connecting far reaching corners of the earth with people who we didn’t grow up with, who don’t know where we live, went to school, or know our families. Online dating is like a vending machine where you type in all the criteria you want, then scroll through pictures, send a message then POP! They enter into your life like “Weird Science” and when you find something which doesn’t fit, you throw the ‘fish’ back out into the sea, smolder out the ‘tinder,’ or tell cupid that was not ‘ok’….

Eggs in the Basket

So I guess I’m writing this blog for women, so that you don’t be like me. The first 25% of my fertile years I was too young. Then I wasted 25% of my fertile years celibate squandered on men who didn’t care about me. That is half my fertile years gone. My mother died young and I didn’t have a matriarch to explain these numbers to me. I want to save you the drama and trauma I went through

What to do if you’ve been Ghosted?

If someone Ghosts you, do what you need to do to HEAL You, Quickly, then move on.

  1. Do a ritual to cut the tie.
  2. Do some gestalt therapy and get closure by speaking to their “ghost” in an empty chair…
  3. but bottomline, closure is for YOU. Take care of yourself without wanting, expecting or needing anyone else to take care of you for you.

Men Have Been Showing the Way

How much more do we need to learn? Ghosting is a “thing” now. Men have been showing us for decades that they don’t process attachment and bonding the same way we do. They physically produce oxytocin at a rate 5X less than we do…. So how long do sit around wishing for closure, getting into break-up confrontations, or hanging onto relationships we no longer want?

Don’t put all your “Eggs” into one basket, so to speak.

Do what’s right for you & your future babies, and the husband who is waiting for you.

Keep it moving.

Quickly

(And I get it, ghosting hurts, however at the end of the day, we have to deal with what is. Many of us have abandonment issues: We are in this journey and the things which need healing will always surface. Do what you must do, to heal YOU, independent of others assisting in the process, your journey is your own).


Here is how Wikepedia defines “Ghosting

 

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Regine Jules
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Regine Jules

I think people have lost the Art of communicating, especially in situations that may be uncomfortable but ghosting seems like a cowardly way of communicating disinterest. I don’t envy the convo you had with these two gentlemen?. But you did not have to engage each point with a counter point. stating disinterest is not about stroking some one’s ego and making them feel better about themselves. it is simply about letting them know that there will no longer be communication btw you two, so they are not left in the dark.

Andrea
Guest

This is the most uncut, emotionally mature, non co-dependent, grown woman, sane, common sense blog post that I’ve read as it pertains to how women need to go about advocating for themselves in emotional wellness and relationships.

Thank you!

Andrea

Anika
Guest
Anika

Thanks I needed this advice. While reading it I actually realized how “ghosting” could be beneficial to many aspects of my life! If only I had known this 10 years ago.

Also, I liked your comment about the benefit of knowing what you want. I remember being so “optimistically confused” in my early 20’s, now that I am almost 30 I have a large amount of clarity that truly makes me appreciate my beautiful aging self.

Rebecca Polius
Guest
Rebecca Polius

I have questions:
Had a “matriarch” come to you earlier in life to warn you of wasting time, do you believe you would’ve listened?
If they’d suggested ghosting to you 15 years ago, would you have felt it was a logical option, or would you feel it was wrong to “rob” another human being of their “closure”?

I’m glad you wrote, sis.
I’d like to get past my own writer’s block…

Aimee
Guest
Aimee

A woman owes no man a response. I hate it when guys don’t stop messaging you when it’s clear that you’re not interested. Sorry but ghosting is definitely warranted especially if you feel like you’re being harassed. No woman deserves to have to go through that!

Trena
Guest

I feel this is wonderfully written and an interesting read. For whatever reason a person choose to handle the disconnection from another is neither here nor there…what’s in the “pot cooking” is the ability to understand hurt doesn’t change just because the weapon was “pretty”. If a person choose to leave you, however way they choose, the end result will be the same. Hearing it won’t make it hurt more or less. My thoughts are, find your own closure! Accept this person wasn’t for you and continue to move. If he/she is meant to return in your life, they will… Read more »

Calvin
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Calvin

I love that you’re addressing this topic! It’s something that everyone should read and take into account in their own life!

Mashawn
Guest
Mashawn

Great article as I would only expectI from you! I’ve been ghosted as well as I have done some ghosting in my own past. I think it all boils down to personal boundaries and deal breakers. Only you can set them for yourself, and when someone violates a personal boundary or leaves you feeling they possess something that you consider is a deal breaker, you are the one who needs to decide and you are the one who needs to seperate, and you owe no explanations. I suppose in long term relationships things should be considered, like saying good bye,… Read more »

Irene
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Irene

My opinion in general about ghosting is that it is one of the worst things a person can do in dating. The only exception would be if you are in danger and ghosting is necessary for your own safety. Don’t fucking ghost. It’s immature and in bad taste. God gave us a mouth to use to lift our words. Use them and end it like a respectable human being.

Karen Brissault
Guest
Karen Brissault

I enjoyed reading this article I too am a Survivor of Ghosting. What is comical to me about the men Ghosting after several months of not hearing from these men They appear out of no where wanting to be back in a relationship with me like nothing ever happened or they never disappeared from the face of the earth. I don’t think so.

Tammy
Guest
Tammy

That was a really interesting read. I’d never heard of ghosting or experienced it. You made some very good points. You have a goal and aren’t wasting a minute on any obstacles. Good for you ❤️

Richmond
Guest
Richmond

First it nice store I am also 40 last year without women but I have Dorther. There is No problem with being in ghost on dating I have experienced things like this, but what allowed these things to happing is must folk who appear as Ghost were not people who are ready yet, They just there for fone or they are already in relationship or communicate with another person as well that is why they become ghost .

Bridget
Guest
Bridget

I’ve been ghosted a few times and one was with a person that I thought we could at least been friends, so it puzzled me when it happened. I finally got closure when stopped dating for awhile and just worked on myself. This article though gave me so much insight from the other’s perspective. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Drea
Guest
Drea

I loved this blog Tonya! My best g/f and I have discussed this topic recently. Her and I are emotionally very different so when one of us can’t understand other human beings actions, we ask each other what these people are thinking. I’m a ghoster I guess you could say. Not often but it has been done. My thoughts on the topic… I tell you I’m not really interested because I can tell we do not fully align at the core. The other person doesn’t understand and keeps trying, I’m done with conversation. It’s not my personal responsibility in life… Read more »

Member

I think you bring up a long list of very good points. It is not fun to be ghosted on, but in my experience, we women expect men to communicate with us and they just aren’t biologically wired that way. As much as we would like them to be able to talk to us on the same level, most of them will not because they lack the tools and biology to do so. This is where your “acceptance of what is” comes into play. If you accept that he’s not going to tell you he doesn’t want to be with… Read more »

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